Recovery is possible, and it’s possible for all of us.
Here’s my story, 5 years out.
Let me start by saying that this is my story, and can have some common threads, but certainly doesn’t represent all stories of recovery. I also want to recognize my privilege as a cisgender, white, able- and smaller-bodied female, which have made my recovery and life in general easier than those in more marginalized identities. I also want to clarify my definition of recovery to encompass a life where ED voice is minimal to silent 99% of the time.
My hope is that this serves as encouragement for you in your recovery. Here are my favorite parts of being recovered:
I eat intuitively *most* of the time.
No food rules, lots of flexibility. I don’t track my food in any way. For the most part, I eat meals and snacks that are satisfying and nourishing, I listen to my body’s cues on hunger, fullness, preference, etc., and I no longer go long periods of time without eating (restriction) or engage in binge eating (which is different than emotional eating). The other 5-10% of the time that I would label as less intuitive include times where I am stressed and have to resort to scheduled eating times (despite missing hunger cues and appetite), or if I am caught in a surprise schedule where I don’t have access to foods. Far beyond just hunger and fullness cues, intuitive eating has helped me IN SO MANY WAYS to listen and care for my body. This has included years of practice, and I still occasionally catch myself noticing food rules or pushing myself with food challenges. It makes sense that this is an evolving practice as I continue to personally evolve, along with the amount of time it takes to unlearn diet culture that has permeated since birth.
I go to more social situations and actually enjoy them.
This is a HUGE ONE, amiright?! One of the biggest things ED took from me was my ability to show up to relationships and social settings, both physically and mentally. Without ED, I can eat a meal with friends/family, go out to eat, get fast food, and otherwise eat ‘normally’ in any given situation. It’s AMAAAAZING! I no longer worry about if I “can” eat any food at an event, don’t “make up” for eating in any type of way, and have so much more energy to devote to the great people in my life.
I notice diet culture and wellness culture, but it doesn’t change me.
I still notice things like BMI charts and fad diets, but I have zero desire to engage with any of it. This recovery is FAR sweeter. I have come to accept (and sometimes like or love) my body for how it is, and I know what lies behind the curtain of diet & wellness culture. They no longer get my time and energy, my money, or my mental health. I have given up on the unrealistic and inaccessible ideals of “beauty” and “health,” and have instead created my own.
Movement is actually joyful.
UGH, my history with movement has been a challenging one. In the thick of my ED, I was over-exercising and numbing out with movement that I thought was ‘healthy.’ News flash: It wasn’t. I’ve since explored all kinds of different movements that are playful, fun, and that I do with no emphasis on burning calories, gaining muscle, or looking a certain way physically. I no longer track anything related to movement, except a mental note of how my body is physically feeling with ‘too little’ or ‘too much.’ It’s refreshing, to say the least! Aside from my relationship with movement, I’ve also redefined what movement looks and feels like to me, learned how to listen to my body, and now also prioritize rest.
The scale is gone and I don’t miss it.
This is one of those diet/ED crutches that is a hard one to get past. Especially when it’s so normalized in our culture, even at the doctor’s office. But do you know how damn powerful it feels to throw your scale away? Or - better yet - smash it to smithereens?! I know now that a number sure as hell doesn’t define me, isn’t a way to measure my worth, and isn’t part of the way I know I’m ‘well.’ And that scale at the doctor’s office? I ignore it. You can deny your weight at any visit, and for most instances (excluding some instances where they might need to know your weight for medications or heart conditions) there is no medical reason to have your weight taken at all.
I have hobbies and interests again.
As it turns out, there’s a lot more room in your brain (and life) for other activities once you stop struggling with an eating disorder. Instead of spending alllll my time thinking about food, exercise, and body anxiety, I now have a bunch of free space for things I actually enjoy and want to spend time on. My current hobbies are playing guitar, learning Spanish (again), all things plant related, and cooking new recipes. My malnourished and disordered brain wouldn’t have been able to manage any of that before.
My job is actively combatting diet culture as a Health At Every Size® professional… and it f*cking rocks.
Health At Every Size is a movement rooted in social justice, where all bodies can pursue health (if you want), without oppression or marginalization. It’s for you, it’s for all of us. As a HAES ED provider, I am thoroughly convinced that I HAVE THE COOLEST JOB. As a recoverED dietitian, I can relate to my clients on a whole other level that I think is less understood from others who haven’t struggled. I can be honest in saying recovery is hard and lovely and awful and amazing, and I can be beside you in every step. Because I’ve been there too.
Wherever you are in your journey to recovery, I hope that this finds you with compassion and undying love. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I’m rooting for you.
Questions about what’s here or what this means for you? Reach out! I’d love to be a friendly face to confide in.
Send me an email or find me on social media to stay in touch. Want to learn more about what it’s like to work with a dietitian who specializes in eating disorder in sport? Schedule your free discovery call to chat about nutrition therapy or yoga!